Social Anxiety Forums

envysins · Terrified Newbie Joined: 16 Dec 2007 Posts: 2

Up to the age of about 19 I was one of the most confident people you could ever meet, I was good at sports, intelligent, outspoken and more importantly I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I knew I was the best!

Then I went to university and ever since it's been a downward spiral of paranoia. I'm not exactly sure what has triggered it, but I do remember finding the transition from my friendly hometown to a university where everyone seemed to have a chip on their shoulder (acting cool). I found that I was less tolerated in university, I make some fantastic friends but not as many as I'd had at home. At the start I was working as a topless model and pole dancer until I had to leave through my loss of confidence about my appearance and social skills.

I went through a period of using hard drugs to overcome the misery of social situations and for a brief time this helped but it was badly effecting my university work, motivation and finances! luckily I was strong willed enough to stop using them.

I'm now 23 and and now I find myself avoiding nights out, meeting new people, I shake when I talk to my new work colleagues, I can't make eye contact with people, I feel that everything I say is ridiculous so I end up avoiding social situations altogether. I didn't go to the work xmas party which sounded fantastic because I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I feel ashamed of how I used to be (arrogant, pole dancing, modelling) and I'm afraid to talk to own friends back in my home town because of it. I don't have an identity or clear vision of who I am.

My kind and understanding boyfriend has been trying for a couple of years to help me regain my confidence but it has not worked and I end up ill treating him through my own personal frustration.

I'm also an only child and I wonder if this has contributed to the way I feel now

grasshopper · Anxious Poster Joined: 23 Dec 2007 Posts: 12

I sometimes wish I could change things about my past, but I accept that I can't be any other way than I am now. And that I really wouldn't want to be any other way. Everyone suffers, some more than others, but nobody escapes suffering. Good for you for quitting, sounds like you've been through a lot, and maybe you could use a break from your old ways. It's never a crime to take a break from parties... there are other ways of being social. Take it easy, maybe life's not as serious as you think sometimes.

smith9999 · Anxious Poster Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 12

Though I am a guy my story of SA is very similar to yours except for the pole dancing. I to was very confident in high school. I too turned to drugs and self medicating, after a while i layed the drugs an alcohol to rest. Though I am sorry you suffer from this illness as i do it is comforting to know that someone else out there with this disorder.

Bravetailor · Calm Regular Joined: 18 Mar 2008 Posts: 55

I'm a guy, and my story is similar, except for the drugs, having a boyfriend, and pole dancing. Wink

I've have had two periods in my life where my social life hit a drought.

The first one was at the start of high school. For year 1, I hung out at the library most lunch hours and had nothing to do. Over the summer, I resolved to be more proactive and I made some of my best life friends in year 2. I was so proud of myself back then, that I could literally make something out of nothing. And the kicker was that I was the one who initiated the friendships, not my friends. It was a great confidence booster.

The second period, of which I am still going through, came when I went to college. Like you, I found that it was much harder to make friends--everyone was either so much smarter than me or "too cool" for me. It didn't help that I didn't see the same people every day, so it was difficult to get to know anyone without my coming off desperate.

Anyway, I won't rehash my story again (I already posted it in a thread nearby) but suffice to say, although I've now graduated, I don't have any real friends, or a significant "other", but believe it or not I'm feeling pretty ready to attack the world.

I've decided to give myself a goal. Although at this point a good relationship and social status seems bleak and difficult to attain, that doesn't mean I can't try to concentrate solely on other goals--like making money! I've decided that if I'm unable to develop any meaningful relationships at this point, I could at least concentrate on making life easy on myself by focusing on finding and developing a career to raise my current financial status. Hey, I could sulk and let myself be lonely and poor OR I could at least try to be financially secure if I'm going to be lonely.

And by concentrating on this goal, I believe that I can develop the confidence along the way as I keep walking forward, which may trickle down into my social skills. It may seem like an emotionally shallow goal, directing your energies solely into making money, but I think if you distract yourself from your insecurities, then you can better deal with them along the way.

But my point isn't that people should all concentrate on monetary goals. My point is to find a goal to follow. For example, one of my hobbies and personal goals is trying to be a better artist. I keep on the lookout for opportunities to help improve my skills, and somewhere along the line I might take up painting. In the meantime I'm working on my draftsmanship, and I plan to attend seminars and courses to help myself get better. For what reason? I certainly have not made being an artist a career choice, but it's something I love enough that I would go out and do things in public for.

You have to ask yourself what you want. Even if you don't have a clear idea of who you are, everyone knows what they like and dislike. I like drawing, and I've always liked luxury. How do I get them? I can't say, but I know that's what I want to attain, and if I can commit myself emotionally to attaining those things, I can go out in the world and function with some purpose.