Social Anxiety Forums

Sa10 · Posted: Wed March 26, 2008 Post subject: New to the forum

I'm 20 years old. In college. I've been suffering from social anxiety-- among other things--, for as long as I can remember. I've been going to counseling for a while now.

I can't really pinpoint my issues. I know that for as long as I can remember, I've hated going to school and attending any social events. It's gut-wrenching. I feel like I'm walking the plank everyday.

When I started counseling, I thought if I could somehow minimize the 'irrational' thoughts in my mind things would get better. But the issue wasn't that simply solved. I eventually got to the point where I could 'hold my own' in a social setting. But when I started feeling more comfortable, my motivation to connect with anyone was lost. Things began to feel unreal. I locked myself in my apartment room all day long. And ultimately, now, I feel more lost than ever. I've even disconnected myself from the group of friends I had. I just didn't care anymore. Didn't take any calls. Nothing. To be honest, I don't even care if they live or die. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth.

It's not that I don't want to be with people. The idea and the feeling is always there. I've always felt completely alone and completely empty.

You know, for laughs, I thought, if I had some attractive young woman offering to go out on a date with me and start a relationship, would I say "yes"? The answer is no.

I know this sounds cliche, but what's the point? Would it make me feel better if someone were by my side saying "everything is going to be okay"? Not really. What if they showered me with affection? Can't say it would really matter at all.

The whole idea of loneliness is that everything you experience in this world, you experience alone. But people find connections usually, and that helps them to keep moving.

It seems like these days, the only thing that I care about, is work. I try to fill my days with busy work. Not to say it makes me feel much better. When I work, all I think about is getting it done already, which stresses me out to no end.

It's funny. I know I wasn't born like this, but it certainly feels like it.

Bravetailor · Posted: Thu March 27, 2008 Post subject:

I understand we're you're coming from because I felt the same way as you did at 24 years old and still in the middle of college (I matured very slowly).

However, you have to realize that you've basically chosen a form of slow death.

That's basically what shutting yourself in and not caring about anybody is all about, right?

You know what's funny though. I spent most of high school and early college mocking and sneering at the 'lemming' nature of most of the people around me. Nobody is their own person. We're all just following social trends and fighting for a piece of social status. What's the accepted model? You get a good job, you get married, you have kids, you die. Produce and procreate.

I still think that way about society. I don't want to just get some middling job, get married, have kids and die. The thought of becoming just another mechanical drone to add to the statistical population of society makes me feel worse, in many ways, than when I have an anxiety attack. Most probably, one informs the other. But it's very easy to sit on the sidelines and criticize. Problem is, how much better am I for doing that? And if I just don't care about anything, if I don't WANT anything, why don't I just slit my wrists?

See, the thing is, death isn't an option for me. For one thing, I'd hate to screw up a suicide attempt and make things worse for me. So I decide to stay. The problem is, do I live my life out as a freakin' zombie or do I become a lemming? There doesn't seem to be an alternative, is there?

Well, I'm too young to give up looking for another path. And I do have desires. So I tell myself, why not try and go and get them? Even if they turn out disappointing?

So I ask you this: do you want anything? If you don't, if you TRULY don't, then perhaps you have some real thinking to do.