ryebass
SAF Peasant
Reputation: 0
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Sat June 02, 2007 Post subject: Whole life affected... |
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I'm 35 and have always been described as 'very very shy'; however, my internal experience of it has always been a very real fear of people and their appraisal of me. I spent the last 6 years in med school and was finally kicked out as my therapy wasn't going well enough to warrant readmission...I've always been told its all about 'faking it' etc...that the whole social game is just that... a game...I have also been diagnosed with adhd, borderline, possibly nvld, depression, generalized anxiety disorder...
at this point I have no clue what came first...as far back as I can remember I only recall being terrified of new classrooms, being introduced to strangers, being bullyed throughout school...in med school I was THE loner that noone really knew while the rest of the class was 'tight'...the thing is that I HATE this existence and at 35 I can see myself becoming a bitter angry old man...in relationships women try to 'bring me out' believing its simple a matter of practice etc and I ultimately sabatoge/destroy these relationships due to a lack of self esteem and trust of others motives....ultimately feeling 'alone' despite being in an intimate relationship.
so thats the intro...what I'm frankly stunned by is that LACK of really good resources online...most sites I've ventured to are poorly cloaked ads for either a given audio therapy set or a specific clinic...are there not support groups and such? active CBT sessions? I do feel like practicing this stuff with others I know understand my issues ie a group might be the only answer...no amount of reading is going to 'fix' this as on an intellectual level I do indeed recognize the irrationality...but on the physical gut level it is overwhelming and those without the disorder have NO clue (though good intentions)...I have tried to liken it to the women I've dated as similar to me saying I understand exactly how a menstrual cramp must feel...hollow words at best lol....
anyhow, I'm at a point of desperation as my life has been destroyed my this/me...
Ryan |
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